Minato's Dismay
by Madrigal-in-training
Summary: Minato decides to rant about the utterly horrifying, completely improper, and (most likely) emotionally abusive relationship his daughter shares with her teammate, Sasuke Uchiha. Iruka tries to get the Hokage to deal with his paperwork. fem!Naruto SasuNaru Companion piece to Fugaku's Laments (An Ideal World Fic)


Minato's Horror

 _Minato decides to rant about the utterly horrifying, completely improper, and (most likely) emotionally abusive relationship his daughter shares with her teammate, Sasuke Uchiha. Iruka tries to get the Hokage to deal with his paperwork. fem!Naruto SasuNaru Sequel to Fugaku's Laments_

xxxxxxx

" _Hokage-sama, I have the first quarter fiscal docum- Hokage-sama?! Hokage-sama, are you okay?!"_

Minato Namikaze didn't pay the assistant any attention. He was having a mental breakdown.

He had been successively dancing along the edge of insanity ever since his daughter- his most precious little Naruko- somehow ended up in a team with _that boy_ , despite strict orders to Kakashi to exchange the brat with someone a little less good-looking. His beautiful, lovely, and brilliant wife had dragged him back from the brink time and again, exasperatedly claiming that he was being paranoid, Sasuke was a twelve-year-old boy, and would it _kill_ him not to glare at a preteen every time Team Seven came by to pick up a mission?

He had flatly replied in the positive, and Kushina made him sleep on the couch for a week in retaliation. Minato suspected that she just wanted to be petty, because they had a perfectly serviceable guest room available, but the Yellow Flash would not relent.

" _He's fine. Just hand them over to me, and I'll make sure they get filed properly."_

Because twelve-year-old boys didn't _stay_ twelve-year-old boys, and Minato knew that there would come a time when _that boy_ looked past Naruko's scrappy demeanor and loud blusters, and saw the woman she would become. And when that day came, _that boy_ would have unprecedented access to his innocent daughter, far from the clutches of her protective father, in the depths of wilderness or bustling cacophony of foreign nations, with only Kakashi as a guardian. Kakashi, who read _porn_ in _public_ , and was unnecessarily fond of _that boy_. The mere thought made him shudder.

As one year passed to another though, and the interactions between his Naruko and _that boy_ didn't escalate from the petty squabbling of their Academy days, Minato relaxed. He didn't completely lose his vigilance, of course, because _that boy_ was still far too attractive, and paid Naruko far too much attention, for his comfort. But Minato was slowly acclimating himself to _that boy's_ presence, and had even managed to offer a few smiles and training tips in the previous year. And _that boy_ decided to repay his generosity by stabbing him in the back.

" _Thank you, Shiranui-san. The last six documents need to be filed separately from the set, in the Academy section."_

Naruko- the apple of his eye, the leaves of his Shunshin, the sealing tag on his tri-pronged kunai, and various other affectionate idioms that made his little girl laugh- had begun to date _that boy_.

Minato had absolutely no idea how that had happened, and, he suspected, neither did his daughter. Naruko had looked adorably bewildered as she relayed the news at home. According to her, _that boy_ had apparently accosted her out of nowhere, declared that 'no, her ploy had not worked; he wasn't jealous at all, but fine, if she wanted to, they might as well date', and shoved a handful of ramen coupons in her hand before storming off. Naruko had asked if that counted as a dating request.

Minato had wanted to shout that _no_ , that did _not_ count as a dating request. He had wanted to say a lot of things actually, such as: _did_ that boy _try to threaten you? Wouldn't you rather date Itachi? Can you have a conversation with him for five minutes without getting into a fight? Is he trying to blackmail you into a relationship? Doesn't his hairstyle look stupid? What does soy sauce have to do with anything? And seriously, don't you feel the least bit attracted to his older brother?_

" _Iwashi, do you know where the hell this page is supposed to go?!"_

Itachi Uchiha was someone Minato could reasonably see as his son-in-law. Polite, loyal, attentive… he would have paid every courtesy to Naruko, while patiently waiting for their wedding night. Or maybe that Nara kid; Minato approved of lackadaisical attitude towards romance. And that other young man, Neji, who was so grateful for the Yondaime's abolishment of the Caged Bird Seal, that he wouldn't have even considered doing anything untoward with his hero's only daughter. Even Gaara…

Minato composed the letter in his head.

 _Dear Kazekage,_

 _In recognition of the longstanding alliance between Suna and Konoha, I would like to suggest a union between my daughter, Naruko Namikaze, and your youngest son, the one with the wonderful cacti garden…_

He scrapped the idea a second later. Kushina would kill him.

" _Screw it. Raidou, go harass some random Chuunin into substituting an Academy class, and tell Umino that we're having a Code Orange."_

For some reason, despite every reasonable option his daughter had available to her, she chose to go for her obstinate, insufferable, and arrogant teammate, because Naruko- much like her mother- lived to vex him. Though Minato supposed that he was being slightly unfair to _that boy._ After all, he would have liked Gaara a great deal less if, instead of calling Naruko 'sister' and building her elaborate sand castles, he chose to steal kisses and also build her elaborate sand castles. It was a shame that the redhead chose to become a ninja rather than pursue a successful career as an architect.

But back to _that boy_ , who had spent the previous entirety of his life, taunting, mocking, and infuriating Naruko, and would probably break his daughter's heart. Minato would-

"Hokage-sama, I was told that you were having some difficulties with the paperwork?" a flustered Iruka Umino said, rubbing the bridge of his scarred nose nervously. "Is there anything I can do?"

Minato looked up, and sniffled. "Can you kill _that boy_ for me?" he asked hopefully.

"Er… are you talking about Sas-" Iruka began.

Minato hissed. "Don't say his name!"

"Yes, sir!" the Chuunin answered reflexively, straightening under his Hokage's harsh tone. Iruka swallowed down his anxiety, and plowed on. "Hokage-sama, I'm sorry if you're having some personal problems now, but the paperwork needs to be completed!"

Minato slumped. "Why does it matter?" he muttered, "No matter what I do, there will always be more work to be done tomorrow, and I'll never be appreciated for the sacrifices I make, even though they're made out of love. And my duty can never be passed on, because Itachi refuses to seduce her."

"That's terrible, Hokage-sama," Iruka said, rolling his eyes, "However, the paperwork _must_ be completed. Maybe you would feel better if I brought you some lunch? What would you like?"

"Something raw and bleeding, like my heart," the Yellow Flash replied.

Iruka sighed. He knew that he was going to regret this.

"Why are you angry at Sa- ahem, Naruko's teammate?" the Chuunin instructor asked, resigned.

Minato perked up. A listener!

" _That boy_ decided to ask my daughter out on a date!" Minato explained, eyes blazing with the fury of a thousand Rasengans, "He didn't even have the decency to ask me for permission first- not that I would have given it to him- or ask her out properly! The brute practically _demanded_ that Naruko date him, and she agreed, because of blackmail obviously."

Iruka nodded absently. So Naruko and Sasuke had finally gotten together? It didn't matter much to him, since his bet had expired long ago, but some fellow had just made a killing right now.

"There could be no other reason for my beautiful Naruko to date _that boy_ ," Minato continued passionately, "He's such a rude and inconsiderate fellow- which is strange, because his older brother, Itachi, is simply delightful- and they're always fighting about something. His hair is stupid. His Sharingan is creepy. And he's physically incapable of smiling. Right?"

"Indeed," Iruka said drily, sliding part of the paperwork over to the distracted blonde. By means of sheer habit, Minato picked up his pen and began skimming the documents. "Anything else?"

"He's the summoner of the Hawk Contract," Minato complained, "Do you know what hawks eat? Toads! They eat toads, and if that's not a bad omen for their relationship, than I don't know what is."

"Excellent point." Iruka accepted the completed fiscal forms and passed over the hospital oversight committee's meeting notes. "Please continue."

"He used to go around half-naked with only a rope keeping his clothes up," Minato despaired, "He clearly has streaker tendencies. Did you know that he used to run out of the bath naked as a child? And he's a goddamn pyromaniac too! I should have dropped him on his head when he was a baby."

"The last form needs a signatory mark," Iruka said, picking up the official Hokage rubber stamp.

"Aren't there rules against inter-team relationships?" Minato demanded, "There should be! They create unnecessary drama and emotional baggage that could compromise the mission. I should pass those laws."

"You also need to complete your bi-annual letter to the other Kages," Iruka reminded helpfully.

"Is Naruko doing this for teenaged rebellion?" Minato wailed, "To get back at me for pressuring her to stay away from boys? Is her relationship my fault? Did I drive her to this? Am I… am I a _bad father_?"

"Just sign here, here, and, no, that only needs your initials," Iruka tapped the page, "I'll affix the photo documentation and send it off by falcon."

"Oh kami, it is my fault!" Minato sobbed, "I didn't kill the boy when I had the chance, and now Naruko's suffering for my mistake!"

Iruka silently prayed that whatever substitute the Hokage's guards had wrangled for his class was competent. The Academy Instructor didn't see himself leaving the room anytime soon.

xxxxxx

The Yondaime Kazekage looked down at the paper with a derisive snort. Minato Namikaze had just sent him a long, rambling, poorly structured missive despairing of his daughter's new relationship with one of her male teammates. The content of the letter, and the visible tear tracks on the page, made Rasa wonder how the sender could possibly be considered the most powerful shinobi alive today.

Though even the highest of men could be brought low by the romantic inclinations of their daughters. It made Rasa glad that _his_ daughter, Temari, was appropriately focused on her kunoichi career and entertained no ridiculous notions of romance. Still, this missive did make Rasa feel somewhat uncomfortable. It was an absurd feeling, as Temari would never put him in such a position, but, just to reassure himself…

"Baki, is Temari involved with anyone?" Rasa demanded, looking at the head of his guard platoon.

Baki had previously been the sensei to all three of his children, and while they may be Jounin now, they still kept in contact with the man. His loyal subordinate would know if Rasa had any reason to worry.

"Not officially, sir," was the prompt reply. Rasa immediately choked on air.

" _Not officially_ ," the Kazekage repeated, "What in blazes is that supposed to mean?!"

"I believe she has an… understanding," the man explained delicately, "With the Konoha Chuunin, Shikamaru Nara."

"A Chuunin from the tree-hugger village?" Rasa parroted in disbelief, "Since when?"

Baki shifted uncomfortably. "They met five years ago, during Temari's first Chuunin Exam in Konoha?"

Rasa gaped at the man. This… this… this blatant insubordination had been going on for five goddamn years, and not one of his shinobi chose to notify him about it?! He wanted to demand Baki's reason for not telling him.

"Who's Shikamaru Nara?" he asked instead, because Rasa believed in knowing one's enemy.

"He was her opponent in the final round, sir," Baki replied, "He lost his match."

Rasa cast his mind back several years, and furiously tried to remember the boy in question. It had been five years though, and his memory came back a little dusty. Nara… Nara… was he the blind boy with the impractically long hair that finger-tapped his way through the match? Rasa was pretty sure his name started with an 'N'.

The Kazekage would need more data here, as it was clear that his daughter had been enacting treasonous activities right under his nose for years. Fortunately, he knew just the right source for accurate, detailed, Konoha-related information.

"Bring Gaara here," Rasa ordered, "It's time that his pen pal relationship with Minato's daughter yield some benefit to Suna."

xxxxxx

The Godaime Mizukage looked down at the paper with a resentful scowl. Was the Hokage laughing at her? Mocking her for not being able to land a husband, while bemoaning how his pretty, young daughter managed to land a cute boy almost effortlessly? Mei could literally feel her blood boiling.

That speedy blonde bastard should be _happy_ that his daughter wasn't going to end up a spinster. Mei despaired of ever finding a spouse, despite being attractive, powerful, wealthy, and the kami-damned, fucking Mizukage. Why wouldn't some nice boy ask _her_ out? Did her strength intimidate them? Were they afraid of her? She couldn't possibly think of a reason why. Mei prided herself on being amiable and friendly to all of her villagers.

"Mei-sama, you're leaking killing intent…"

Mei turned and smiled sweetly at Ao. "Shut up or I'll kill you."

xxxxxx

The Sandaime Tsuchikage looked down at the paper with a contemplative frown. He normally couldn't stand the Yellow Flash, or his overtly peppy letters, but this one spoke of a serious matter. It was an enlightening, thoughtful, and considerate discourse about a subject that had been worrying him greatly. The subject brought him so much anxiety, that Onoki couldn't even derive any pleasure from his erstwhile enemy's suffering.

Especially because if he didn't act quickly, Onoki might be the next to fall.

"Kurotsuchi, do you have any plans after your shift is over?"

His granddaughter, and favorite guard, smiled happily. "Deidara and I were planning to-"

"Good," Onoki cut off gruffly, "Since you're free, you can help me improve the village's evacuation protocols."

"But Grandfather, weren't they renewed last month?" the dark-haired girl protested.

"Additional eyes can never hurt," the old man insisted, "And this is an order from your Kage."

"Yes, Sandaime-sama," his granddaughter sulked.

"You'll understand the important of these protocols when you're older," Onoki said, sympathetically. He made a mental note to send Deidara out on a _long_ mission out of the village.

xxxxxx

The Yondaime Raikage looked down at the paper with a puzzled expression. Was this a coded message? A cry for help? A subtle jab at him for deciding not to marry and beget spawn?

"Did it mention when they got together?" Darui, who was undertaking an assistant role in preparation for his eventual transition into the Raikage seat, asked.

A read the helpful postscript at the bottom of the letter. "Iruka Umino says that it was three days ago."

Darui groaned. "So close," he swore, "Samui won the pot."

xxxxxx

 _This sequel is for everyone that posted those awesome reviews about Fugaku's Laments, especially Uchiha Lackey 1, who really made me laugh._


End file.
